I wonder why my panic attack this time round is taking so long to subside. It’s been a few weeks already and I have not been able to snap out of it yet. It’s not just about staying in my calm state. More importantly is my ability to regain control of myself when I fall victim to my anxiety.

Sleeping to reset my state of mind has not been helpful either, not with all these nightmares the past few months. In fact, my condition has deteriorated, with my brain trying to monitor every single action I take. Even something as simple as clicking around. I really need to stop feeding my intrusive thoughts. I need to stop being so mindful of every single action, otherwise I will simply tire myself out. But how am I supposed to do so, when my heartbeats are still so fast after a night’s sleep, especially with all these nightmares haunting me?

It’s been 6 years since I fell so deeply into the darkness. Not being able to get where I want despite being such a high achiever. And of course, having to deal with all the atrocious people in school. This final year is my last chance at breaking out of this vicious cycle. This never-ending turmoil of having to deal with shit people. It’s the very fact that the bar is set so low that people with lousy character can get in, people whom I have to deal with. The more of such people I meet, the more I shut myself, and the worse my condition gets it seems… But I will just have to deal with it on my own.

After all, I have survived a full four months more or less alone. And I thought I have already overcome my problem once and for all, only for it to return and trouble my lifestyle so badly right now.

Perhaps I should write more often, to confront my fears. To stop my brain from trying to take note of every single action. And to do so, I need to dare to write without checking as often. Maybe I should just heck care any checking and just go ahead and keep typing. I have never believed in myself, even though I was capable of great pieces of writing, to the point that I have doubted myself being the one writing my essays when I received them back. But this says a lot about me indeed: without much conscious thought, I have always been capable of coherent, wondrous writings. This does not change, even if my skills might have become rusty after those two years. I might have been writing my essays more slowly, but that is also because of the need to get the facts correct, and to be well understood. Yet, maybe all I need to do is to take a leap of faith. Yes, there are times when I would mix up the open class words. But this is entirely fine. And yes, I can think of what to say on the spot and still be well understood. There is no need to worry about being not understood. No need to fear of offending people.

It’s indeed amazing how much I have typed in just ten minutes. If I only I could keep this up, then I could finally step out of my darkness.

Let’s just hope that my heart will calm down later in the morning when I wake up. Otherwise, I should still find a way to relieve my anxiety somehow. This is not the time to be breaking down, to be causing any trouble, especially not with that case still looming over me.